You Might Also Like
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.