Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.