PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Going back in time, y’all need anything?