[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
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WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
“TGIM!” – My liver
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
I found your tweet-up…
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.