Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
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My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
*seductively eats two tums*
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.