5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
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Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Doug is just Canadian for dog
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.