Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
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Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
meanwhile over on facebook
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.