I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
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Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.