[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
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Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas