Why do meteors always land in craters?
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF