Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
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Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.