car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*