I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.