What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.