When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.