Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.