[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.