Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.