Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
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The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?