I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
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All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
There are usually two types of merchants.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.