Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
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“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Can’t. Being lazy.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.