A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
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I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried