Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce