remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on