My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
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The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Peace was never an option
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
can I use a minion as a tampon
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago