I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u