An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.