Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.