Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
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If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
broke down and did it
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist