Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
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If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job