My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
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Breaking news:
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?