@hrtbps

Interviewer: So when did you decide you wanted to be a sumo wrestler?
Me: When someone tried to get me onto the dancefloor at a wedding.

@hrtbps

“I have parrot-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

@hrtbps

“How can it be global warming,” pondered @realDonaldTrump, “if it’s cold outside? Cold is the opposite of warm. Science is hard.”

@hrtbps

My New Year’s resolution is *removes sunglasses* 2048×1080. I’ll explain. *perches on desk* You see, the word ‘resolution’ can also refer t

@hrtbps

The Grammar Nazis burst in. “We know you’re harbouring Jews, Mrs Gies”
“There ain’t no Jews here!”
“Double negative! Search the attic, boys”