*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
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[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(