There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend