The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi