If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
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If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days