I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
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“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
(Electricians.)
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now