Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
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[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.