i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.