If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
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7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”