I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Twice baked potatoes
-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.