i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
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Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?