While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
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I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Sending in my taxes
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
At Walmart during the holidays like..
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean