What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
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PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt