Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
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If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.