Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?