my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
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Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
If a snake ate a cake
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP