thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
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when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.