don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
You Might Also Like
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena