I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come