Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
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check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
this is the best interaction on twitter
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.