Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness
Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow